Confidence and trust are within your reach
You can be nice AND put yourself first
Recognizing Codependency
Signs and Symptoms
There are many ways of describing codependency and some of these descriptions are confusing because they overlap with ways of interacting that are quite healthy or cultural in their origin.
Many unhealthy interactions have low self-worth at their core rooted in emotional neglect, fear of abandonment, rejection and other underlying issues that are often the result of family dynamics in childhood.
Some traits often associated with codependency are:
- People fixing
- Emotional reactivity to perceived betrayal
- Suppressed emotions
- Poor boundaries
- Low self-esteem
- Dependency
- Self-martyrdom
Relationships
Codependent traits most often show up in our interactions with others and in our preoccupations. Do we find our sense of purpose in helping others to the detriment of our own well-being?
Do we feel as though our very existence is threatened when they leave?
Do we flare up with resentment and bitterness when our acts of love are not reciprocated?
Sometimes other people create a mirror that reflects the codependent traits we cannot see or deny. Those in relationships afflicted with codependency are often perceived as “needy” and “suffocating.”
When we enter into relationships expecting others to fill the void that was meant to hold our self-worth, it is actually harder to connect to the other person. That is the essence of objectification. The relationship isn’t really about them, or us, it’s about me. We simply cannot use other people to “fix” what ails us deep inside.
Disorganized Attachment
What we refer to as co-dependent behavior may also be explored in the context of attachment theory which provides insight into behaviors that stem from early relational dynamics with our infant/childhood caregivers. Research notes that when a child collapses as a result of disorganized attachment, he or she may reorganize into behavioral strategies to substitute for the attachment system. This can result in controlling behavior that manifests in certain caregiving strategies we refer to as codependent. Click here to read more about attachment therapy.
Narcissistic Abuse
Codependent behavior rarely exists in a vacuum in relationships. Sometimes it takes two to tango. There’s a certain safety to sticking with the familiar, even if it’s not what’s best for us. In familiar settings, there’s at least a feeling of control over what we expect to happen in our behavior and others.
We are attracted to and attract what keeps us in a state of “status quo.” If I am a helper, I will feel best in a situation in which a person will tolerate or support my “help.” If I feel uncomfortable focusing attention on my own needs and ask little, then I set myself to be with someone who will take and not give.
I won’t make demands regarding my needs because I seldom tend to them myself. This is the set up for the anxious attachment style meeting the avoidant attachment style. Those with narcissistic also reflect poor self esteem and are attracted to those who will support putting them at the center of their universe. They have little desire or capability to tend to another’s emotional needs.
Unsure whether you have codependent traits?
Co-Dependent Questionnaire-Self Report
Do You Relate?
Which of these traits do you recognize?
Take our clinician‑informed, self‑report screening tool. Circle responses to which you can relate.
- I often tell myself “it’s not that bad” even when I’m deeply hurt.
- I disconnect from my emotions when conflict arises.
- I notice numbness, blankness, or difficulty feeling anything in my body during stress.
- I downplay mistreatment or make excuses for others’ harmful behavior.
- My breathing becomes shallow or I hold my breath when emotions surface.
- I avoid acknowledging my limits until I’m overwhelmed.
- I stay busy to avoid feeling difficult emotions.
- I feel “foggy,” detached, or spaced out when emotions get intense.
Avoidance & Fear of Vulnerability
- I feel safer giving support than receiving it.
- I avoid asking for help because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.
- I shut down or withdraw when I feel emotionally exposed.
- I fear that if people knew the “real me,” they would leave.
- I stay in control to avoid feeling vulnerable or dependent.
- I feel guilty when I rest or let others take care of something.
- I avoid conflict because I fear it will lead to rejection.
- I keep my needs small so I don’t risk disappointment.
Self‑Worth, Identity Diffusion & External Validation
- My self-worth depends on how others feel about me.
- I feel anxious when someone is disappointed in me.
- I change my opinions or preferences to avoid conflict.
- I struggle to make decisions without reassurance.
- I feel “not enough” unless I’m being helpful or productive.
- I tolerate poor treatment because I fear losing the relationship.
- I feel uncomfortable prioritizing my needs over others’.
- I often apologize even when I haven’t done anything wrong.
Relational Over‑Investment
- I feel anxious or unsettled when someone I care about is upset with me.
- I monitor others’ moods to anticipate what they need.
- I feel responsible for fixing others’ emotions or problems.
- I lose myself in relationships or adapt my identity to keep the peace.
- I fear being alone more than being in an unhealthy relationship.
- I stay connected to people even when they repeatedly hurt me.
- I feel guilty when I set boundaries or say no.
- I need reassurance to feel secure in relationships.
Over‑Functioning & Self‑Sacrifice
- I feel compelled to fix or solve other people’s problems.
- I take on more than my share of responsibilities to keep things running smoothly.
- I feel anxious when things are out of my control.
- I often know what others need before they ask, but I don’t know what I need.
- I feel guilty resting when others are struggling.
- I stay in relationships where I’m the caretaker or stabilizer.
- I feel safer when I’m needed.
- I overextend myself to avoid disappointing others.
CODEPENDENCY SELF‑ASSESSMENT SCORING RUBRIC
How to Score Each Item
Rate each statement using a 0–4 scale:
0 ~ Never true for me
1 ~ Occasionally true (less than once a month)
2 ~ Sometimes true (monthly or situational)
3 ~ Often true (weekly or recurring pattern)
4 ~ Almost always true (daily or strongly characteristic)
Category Score Range:
0 to 32 points per category
Categories are based on information from established codependency frameworks. Interpretations are based on a number of factors. Please share your results with your therapist, coach or trusted supports.
Discover safety, Value and Purpose
Treating Codependency
Treatment Focus
Understanding our behavior and gaining insight is only part of the recovery process. Most people seek relief from the emotional disturbances that are embedded in codependent behaviors.
These are often generated by our internal survival forces. This is why so many of the resulting emotions take on a sense of urgency and desperation.
In treatment, we go beyond exploration to address the root causes that drive codependent behaviors.
This process involves treating underlying trauma that generates chronic negative feelings that fuel feelings of insecurity, incompetency, anxiety and shame.
Group Therapy
We offer online/virtual support that creates safety to identify, learn and process those interactive skills essential for effective communication that sets boundaries for self-care while nurturing relationships.
Interaction need not be confrontational to get our message across and help a relationship thrive. Our group therapy offers 90 minutes in which to practice hands-on in the moment progressive relaxation, engage in assertiveness and receive validation and empathy for your journey into recovery.
Individual Sessions
Each client receives a personalized assessment and roadmap to identify dysfunctional behavior patterns, find direction and discover that meeting emotional needs can be deeply satisfying. Experiencing our emotions can be empowering and is the cornerstone to building self-trust and confidence. When we learn to be at ease with ourselves, we can connect to others in an organic way that allows each member of the relationship to feel seen and heard on their own terms.