Signs and Symptoms
There are many ways of describing codependency and some of these descriptions are confusing because they overlap with ways of interacting that are quite healthy or cultural in their origin. 

Many unhealthy interactions have low self-worth at their core rooted in emotional neglect, fear of abandonment, rejection and other underlying issues that are often the result of family dynamics in childhood.  

Some traits often associated with codependency are:

• People fixing
• Emotional reactivity to perceived betrayal
• Suppressed emotions
• Poor boundaries
• Low self-esteem
• Dependency
• Self-martyrdom

Relationships
Codependent traits most often show up in our interactions with others and in our preoccupations.  Do we find our sense of purpose in helping others to the detriment of our own well-being?  

Do we feel as though our very existence is threatened when they leave? 

Do we flare up with resentment and bitterness when our acts of love are not reciprocated? 

Sometimes other people create a mirror that reflects the codependent traits we cannot see or deny.  Those in relationships afflicted with codependency are often perceived as “needy” and “suffocating.”   

When we enter into relationships expecting others to fill the void that was meant to hold our self-worth, it is actually harder to connect to the other person.   That is the essence of objectification.  The relationship isn’t really about them, or us, it’s about me.  We simply cannot use other people to “fix” what ails us deep inside.  

Disorganized Attachment
What we refer to as co-dependent behavior may also be explored in the context of attachment theory  which provides insight into behaviors that stem from early relational dynamics with our infant/childhood caregivers.  Research notes that when a child collapses as a result of disorganized attachment, he or she may reorganize into behavioral strategies to substitute for the attachment system.  This can result in controlling behavior that manifests in certain caregiving strategies we refer to as codependent.  Click here  to read more about attachment therapy.

Narcissistic Abuse
Codependent behavior rarely exists in a vacuum in relationships.  Sometimes it takes two to tango.  There’s a certain safety to sticking with the familiar, even if it’s not what’s best for us.  In familiar settings, there’s at least a feeling of control over what we expect to happen in our behavior and others. 

We are attracted to and attract what keeps us in a state of “status quo.”  If I am a helper, I will feel best in a situation in which a person will tolerate or support my “help.” If I feel uncomfortable focusing attention on my own needs and ask little, then I set myself to be with someone who will take and not give. 

I won’t make demands regarding my needs because I seldom tend to them myself.  This is the set up for the anxious attachment style meeting the avoidant attachment style.  Those with narcissistic  also reflect poor self esteem and are attracted to those who will support putting them at the center of their universe.  They have little desire or capability to tend to another’s emotional needs.