Couples

We are all wired for connection.  This can affect any couple regardless of any initial match that seemed “perfect.”  Rediscover intimacy.  Rebuild trust and connection.  Replace dysfunctional ways with intentional and compassionate interaction.

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Wired For Connection

Are you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, sad or uncertain in your relationship?  Feeling safe with someone is fundamental to our well-being.  It’s how we lead meaningful lives that are satisfying and purposeful.  

Relationships take more than attraction over the long haul.  But the work need not be terribly complicated or take years of therapy.  In fact, research shows that relationships can thrive even if partners don’t have similar interests,  and are otherwise imperfect. 

One of the gifts of working from an eclectic mind-body approach to relationship work is being able to help couples of varied backgrounds find intimacy and connection despite being imperfect, different or limited in terms of communication skills, emotional depth or “couples work.” 

 

urim recovery healing anxiety

Therapeutic Path

I draw from a number of therapeutic modalities to meet your needs that include Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT),  Attachment-based, Existential, Solution-Focused, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and Gottman Principles.

In other words, I work with whatever works best for the couple rather than a prescribed set of sessions.  You decide what you want and when therapy is complete.  This approach falls within the humanistic-existential tradition which emphasizes the human need for meaning and authenticity.  By working from this perspective, I can help you learn each other’s automatic reactions in order to increase your sense of safety, understanding and love. 

 

A Progressive Approach to Your Therapy

I won’t play mediator analyzing the content of your arguments and deciding who’s right and who’s wrong.  Instead, the emphasis will be on identifying and breaking repeated behavior patterns that get nowhere and developing renewed connection.  

You won’t need to learn artificial and fake sounding communication skills to grow closer.  You will develop natural attunement to your partner and to yourself to nurture your relationship in a natural and accessible manner.

The Couple Bubble Zone

There’s something heartfelt about that seemingly effortless connection we might have witnessed in which the intentions of two people appear aligned and synchronized.  If we are truly blessed, such an observation resonates deep within us because we have experienced this ourselves.

There’s an energy about this interaction that connects to nervous system. We recognize this connection and might deeply yearn for it if it currently missing in our lives.

The goal of couple’s therapy is to help individuals attain this synchronicity that is sometimes beyond touch or expressed purpose. As effortless as this interaction may seem, the foundation of such connection is based on the nuances of secure attachment:

  1. Presence
  2. Nurturance
  3. Repair

As simple as these notions might appear, they often evade those who did not experience consistent emotional support in their childhood.

Couple bubble of love and precense

Chronic stress or trauma can rob an individual of these abilities later in life regardless of one’s secure childhood.  (Though research shows that secure attachment  in childhood can act as a protective factor against later PTSD notwithstanding significant trauma).

What might be sensed as spontaneous and deep connection in others is likely the result of consistent and dedicated practice on the part of each individual in ongoing investment in the relationship and intentional repair when needed.  

These activities are learned.  Warm and loving relationships take investment. The right investment. We cannot cajole or bargain our way into such connection.  Such behavior can result from codependency or trauma in which subconscious defenses teach us to disconnect in a misguided attempt at safety. 

The couple bubble requires each partner to sustain vulnerability for the simple reason that connection requires vulnerability.

This is part of the focus of couple’s work and where the significance of individual work becomes more obvious: there’s more than one nervous system at play in a couple. 

This shifts us to the framework of the type of couple’s work you will find here.  There’s a very significant part of couple’s work that is individual work.  This might be done in individual therapy or as a part of the work in couple’s therapy.  

Conceptually, in couple’s therapy we work with the (1) individuals who make up the partnership, (2) the couple, and (3) what I refer to as the “space in between.”  

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