Defensiveness – Our Knight in Protective Armor
When we indicate that someone is being defensive, it is often with the implicit judgment that it’s a position of weakness and imparted with a negative connotation. Perhaps this is because any chink in the armor, vulnerability, is often considered weakness. But the indication is often used to suggest that one is responding to an attack. (And deflect one’s own position of judgment?)
Defensiveness is often attributed to fear of negative self-perception, underlying securities or an automated response of self-preservation. It can show up as sarcasm, joking, denial or teasing. If we are preoccupied with projecting an image of being ok or inoffensive, rather than managing or exploring inner feelings or underlying beliefs, it can feel safer to project outwards especially if we think we can control others expectations, feelings or opinions about ourselves. That’s not so easily accomplished. Truth be told, many of these reactions are instinctive and automatic without any intentional strategic maneuvering to control others.
Part of the journey to self-compassion, a vital component to healing, lies in developing greater awareness and tolerance of the body’s defense mechanisms.
Reframing Defensiveness
Neuroception is a helpful process by which we can reframe defensive behaviors as protective and adaptive:
Neuroception describes how our body scans our environment for signs of safety or danger.
Our defenses, which may present as disruptive behaviors, are the result of cues that signal “danger.”
Letting Go Opens the Door to Self-Compassion
Our ability to recognize the intelligence behind our actions or reactions is a wonderful pathway by which we can unleash ourselves from ongoing self-critique and obsessive thinking that we will be “good enough” once we “get rid of ” symptoms. Being driven to banish subconscious and automated behavior tends to encourage negating parts of ourselves.
Disowning who we are hinders self-compassion.
Slowing Down Creates Opportunity for Change
Does this mean that defenses such as rage, denial, anger, shame or anxiety should be embraced? Shining a light on the function of our defensive behaviors does not mean that we have to accept them to the point of never changing them. Exploring the purpose of such behaviors and reframing them from a protective point of view allows us to develop the self-compassion to tolerate intense emotions and liberate us in a way to see our potential. How else to recognize our underlying needs and develop motivation to fulfill them in ways that serve us in the long run? This is personal growth.
When we negate our defensive behaviors, there’s a tendency to throw the entire mechanism for change out the window.
The Body’s Wisdom
How might our symptoms represent protective behaviors? Our limbic system has evolved over thousands of years to conserve our energy so that we continue to live for another day. Part of the process of conserving our energy is to protect us from overwhelm. Fatigue and overwhelm consume vast amounts of energy. We could otherwise use that energy as a reserve for actual threats or to maintain basic daily activities.
When you rob Peter, Paul may have to pay.
Defense Mechanisms and Stress Responses
Defense mechanisms aren’t intentional or deliberate. They are part of an automatic stress response to protect the mind from overwhelm that can come from anxiety. It’s one thing to be anxious and plan, but sometimes worry cycles take over and the message we reinforce is that we are under threat and “not safe.” Our minds will distort reality or whatever we perceive to make a situation feel more manageable. Think of a defense mechanism as a kind of circuit breaker. Your body is trying to protect you from emotional harm.
This can be problematic if we never really learn to manage anxiety in the long run or have unresolved trauma. These protective measures keep you in a reality that is not shared by others and can prevent an individual from addressing the root cause of their stress and any underlying issues. In addition, it can result in a fairly consistent response to others undermining genuine connection. This not only keeps us isolated and feeling lonely. It can create a set up by which we cut off support.
Intellectualization & People Pleasing
Two common defense mechanisms among those who are smart and often perceived as quite capable in non-personal settings such as career or school are intellectualization and “PR” management. The latter occurs when we are preoccupied with projecting an image that we believe will facilitate connection.
Sometimes this is done through fawning, people pleasing or excessive helping. It can also reflect portraying oneself as needy or victimized in an attempt for sympathy. These strategies don’t tend to build healthy connections long term or facilitate healthy relationships. For one thing, they can project inauthenticity or manipulation that is perceived as threat. They can also rob others of autonomy or send out vibes that push others away. This is because, subconsciously, that’s the intent because the vulnerability that is a necessary part of “openness” and receptivity is not available. If anything, the message is “don’t get any closer.”
Intellectualization is a way of detaching from emotions and using logic and reason as a buffer to protect the conscious mind from emotional stress from anxiety, shame or judgment. There are different ways this can be expressed. In therapy, this can show up through analysis or over reliance on clinical perspective, lengthy explanations and verbosity. It can lead to emotional numbness. Interestingly, many excessive note takers in therapy sessions tend to be reliant on intellectualization to distance themselves from experiencing emotions which can lead to emotional numbness. There’s an over reliance on the thinking conscious mind as a place of “safe retreat.”
Hierarchy of Responses
Not all defense mechanisms have the same level of image or reality distortion. For example, sublimation is the process of channeling negative impulses into socially acceptable behaviors such as sports or academia. This doesn’t mean that a person is any better at resolving core issues, but this way of addressing anxiety might not expose one to the level of consequences such as denial or repression.
Formal rating scales categorizes defenses as mature, neurotic and immature. Other examples are acting out, passive aggression, dissociation, humor and reaction formation.
(Reaction formation –feeling one way about something, but subconsciously replacing that impulse with an opposite behavior often exaggerated e.g. being friendly to someone you really can’t stand). How might you categorize these protective measures?
The Impact of Secure Attachment
Attuned Caregiving
Many questions seem in order at this point. If our limbic system is so evolved, then why do some of our automated defenses seem so skewered? If the purpose is survival, why do we end up in counterproductive situations? Why do we threaten our ability to maintain relationships? Why risk connection in general?
The Adult Brain
The reasoning lies in the fact that many of our defense mechanisms have been hardwired from childhood. As children, we lack much of the capacity of our adult executive functions. Our adult executive functions enable us to respond to perceived or actual threats in a more “rational” or acceptable manner. Mature adult brains have the potential to problem solve, maintain perspective or reality check, among other things.
At a young age, traumatic or unpleasant experiences are processed differently by the brain in the absence of consistent and responsive caregiving. This kind of presence can dramatically attenuate the reactivity of our fear center (Amygdala). Secure attachment helps produce more adaptive responses that serve us through adulthood.
Taking a Time-Out From Survival Mode
When you think about it, the world is not a safe place. Certainly, a few minutes on social media can sometimes make us feel hopeless or insignificant. Having a buffer that stops us contemplating all possible dangers, however remote, can allow us to go about our business and pursue our goals. This buffer can be as simple as taking some minutes out of your day to refrain from regular “busy” activities and do—nothing.
The Benefits of Slowing Down and Noticing
When we can accept that our defenses serve a purpose, we can start to develop the tolerance to sit with the emotions they foster to the point of implementing different behavioral outcomes. This is what we refer to as emotional regulation. Of course, identifying these mechanisms can be a far cry from being able to regulate. However, noticing and accepting that you operate on a number of levels many of which might be outside your direct consciousness is a start to a journey of self discovery and understanding how best to direct our truest intentions. It’s also important to recognizing our reality with others in a more in depth way. Perhaps people aren’t reacting to us as randomly and unfairly as we might have supposed before we knew ourselves.
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